merricatk | Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.

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Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.

So, I heard it through the grapevine that all of the yuletide stories are being moved to A3O. I don't move in that circle, so everything I know comes secondhand. I've only ever written one story that's on the yuletide website, a NYR story. It was a whim, and I was still thinking that fandom might work for me.

This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.

Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.

The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.

They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.

Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)

It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.

Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.

I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.

And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.

I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.

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LMAO -- because you have no defense and you know it.

You don't matter to me at all except as an annoyance -- so kindly go away.

For this, and so many other things, I totally love you.

I have no idea why you're here. This is my friend merricatk's blog.

You don't seem to realize that pretty much everyone you've said this to IS FRIENDED BY

merricatk. If she doesn't like any of them, she's well within her rights to defriend them.

No, you've said it to both

tzikeh and

nestra.

I've read all the threads in this post, b/c the topic interests me and all of the involved people are on my friends list. The crazy sticks out.

The fact that you think

nestra is a sock or stalker or whatever borders on intense paranoia. A quick look at her userinfo would tell you the journal was created in 2002. No one's going to stalk you for 8 years over the internet.

Yes, I did read this thread over here. Many of these sorts of posts have been linked all over fandom recently b/c of the kerfuffle. This post has less than 100 comments, not exactly a chore to scan through everything.

Again,

merricatk has friended not only

nestra, but myself and others commenting in this post. It's therefore not unheard of that we'd comment here.

Sociopaths? Okay. Your persecution complex is mind boggling.

Bullshit, I know who you are. You have other sockpuppets.

By all means, do name them.

Okay.

She quoted a post I made easily two years ago to a fan troll.

Seriously, this error of fact is bothering me, and it's like the third time you've repeated it. It was six months (http://toft-froggy.livejournal.com/448706.html?thread=5503170&style=mine#t5503170) ago.

Also the idea that toft is a troll/sock is hilarious. That's a lot of effort and back story for one.

Just wait. Your day will come.

I honestly can't believe I'm reading these words. Seriously, you sound like a cheesy villain in a movie.

Why are we arguing? Train wreck syndrome, perhaps. Or just for the lulz.

*points up* The link to the comment nestra pointed you to is in toft_froggy's journal, someone you have repeated called a troll or a sock and I'm fairly sure at some point here have intimated that Nestra is probably that person as well.

Nestra, I'm sure you're a lovely lady

It wasn't so many comments ago that you said she was using sockpuppets and stalking you. This conversation is wearing out my WTF-o-meter.

For someone with a persecution complex and a bunch of stalkers, you're really tossing out the threatening language today.

Well you called (http://melodyclark.livejournal.com/187796.html?style=mine) her froggy in your LJ and 6 months isn't a long time ago to me, so I remembered. Sorry if that seems to tire you out in some way? Or make it seem like I care more than I should.

And yes, gasp, I went to your LJ to find what I was looking for. I'm sure somehow I'll be called names for that as well.

Oh, I didn't say there were no online stalkers. I just don't think anyone in this post is one, or that pulling a quote from a public post a few pages back on someone's journal qualifies.

She didn't. She came at me out of nowhere, attacking ME. I don't bother arguing with people. I certainly don't look back in their blogs to excerpt something out of context about which I know nothing and accuse them of "entitlement" (I don't even know what the hell that means in this context).

This is my last post to you of any kind. Have a nice life.

OK that does it, I'm friending you. This is the second piece of your meta I've read where you've posted an opinion contrary to the fannish quo and defended it thoughtfully without the whole thing going south to flamewarville. I may not agree with everything you write, but I appreciate how you stand up and say it.

But you can remove your story, then, if you have no intention to participate in Yuletides to come, and just post it under lock on your LJ. I honestly don't think anyone will call you a name for doing this; it's an option I'm sure you won't be alone in using, and since you have only posted one story over there, I don't know, to be blunt, that your removal of it will be much noticed.

Look, I work in a tech-related field. I get that change is scary to lots of people, especially when it involves technology not everyone has the knowledge-base to understand. But all this fuss is reminiscent of Y2K or the US digital transition -- your uneasiness is related to not knowing the shape of things to come, and an unwillingness to trust that the people who are doing the shaping are going to do it in a way that you'll enjoy. And this is totally understandable! But what I suggest, then, to you and to everyone else who is an AO3 detractor for reasons they are unable to articulate, is to educate yourselves on the transition that's ahead, the reasons why it's happening and the reasons why it's happening the way that it's happening. If you still have concerns, perhaps you will want to make an archive of YOUR own, doing it your way and with all your own ideologies uncompromised. Luckily, this isn't government policy we're talking about -- fandom is anarchical, and the AO3 is not being supported by your taxes. *g*

You know, for what it's worth, I don't think that deleting a NYR story is classless or much of anything else. The main yuletide exchange is about agreeing to give a particular person a present and agreeing that it can't be deleted later. (I have no strong opinion on people deleting their fic in general or keeping it private or whatever else. This is a common topic of flamewars, but it is not why some of us are annoyed about people deleting yuletide fics in particular.) I think it's tacky and disrespectful to take advantage of a technicality* in the rules to delete those stories, but NYR stories aren't written in the same context and don't have that same understanding attached to them. I certainly hope people will choose to leave theirs up (with their original names, with sanitized pseudonyms that can't be traced back to their normal ones, anonymously, etc.), but I don't view it as a faux pas to take those down.

I'm sorry about the 'orphaning' term. I don't think it occurred to any of us that it would upset people, and it never came up in the public discussions of the ToS. (Which is not to say that it never bothered anyone else, just that they never mentioned it if it did.) It's used instead of 'anonymous'/'anonymity'/etc. because those are reserved on the AO3 for situations where a creator's name is temporarily obscured (like it would be for yuletide).

(Uh, and I hope it goes without saying that I speak for myself, not for the OTW/AO3 unless I'm saying something like "Here's the link to the ToS" or stating what official policy is. The official policy on yuletide stories is that you'll be allowed to delete once the move happens. My views on ettiquette really don't enter into it.)

* If the yuletide mods had decided to somehow fix the archive infrastructure and not move the exchange, no one would be allowed to delete at all, but their fics would still be quite public and would be getting moreso year by year. It's only because of the move that the option for deletion has come up at all. Hence my view that it's a technicality.

"Necessary" doesn't mean "everyone else should suck it up and be quiet."

True, but I think it does mean that it's shitty to keep throwing rocks at people for doing what they had to do.

Thank you! And welcome!

For about two years we had a director--excuse me, CEO*--who wanted us to be the McDonald's of public library systems. Old books out! 200 copies of Stephen King in! (I love Steve, but we don't need 200 copies of his latest, only to have 150 of them end up in the booksale by the end of the year.) Thank God she's gone, anyway.

Hugs right back!

*Any library that calls the person in charge a CEO needs to be watched carefully.

See, if I were in a different place in fandom right now, I'd probably be squeeing right there with you. I have no problem with the existence of either OTW or AOOO. I hope they succeed! But where I am right now, I need to circumscribe my fannishness.

And did I mention that it's nice to see you?

It is, but the thing is, I'm taking salvadar_as at her word, since I have no compelling reason not to. And if I thought I had reason to fear the academics, I'd use an LJ unconnected with me to post from.

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Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.

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