merricatk | Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.

So, I heard it through the grapevine that all of the yuletide stories are being moved to A3O. I don't move in that circle, so everything I know comes secondhand. I've only ever written one story that's on the yuletide website, a NYR story. It was a whim, and I was still thinking that fandom might work for me.

This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.

Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.

The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.

They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.

Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)

It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.

Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.

I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.

And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.

I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.

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Yes, I did read this thread over here. Many of these sorts of posts have been linked all over fandom recently b/c of the kerfuffle. This post has less than 100 comments, not exactly a chore to scan through everything.

Again,

merricatk has friended not only

nestra, but myself and others commenting in this post. It's therefore not unheard of that we'd comment here.

Sociopaths? Okay. Your persecution complex is mind boggling.

Okay.

Just wait. Your day will come.

I honestly can't believe I'm reading these words. Seriously, you sound like a cheesy villain in a movie.

Why are we arguing? Train wreck syndrome, perhaps. Or just for the lulz.

For someone with a persecution complex and a bunch of stalkers, you're really tossing out the threatening language today.

Oh, I didn't say there were no online stalkers. I just don't think anyone in this post is one, or that pulling a quote from a public post a few pages back on someone's journal qualifies.

She didn't. She came at me out of nowhere, attacking ME. I don't bother arguing with people. I certainly don't look back in their blogs to excerpt something out of context about which I know nothing and accuse them of "entitlement" (I don't even know what the hell that means in this context).

This is my last post to you of any kind. Have a nice life.

She quoted a post I made easily two years ago to a fan troll.

Seriously, this error of fact is bothering me, and it's like the third time you've repeated it. It was six months (http://toft-froggy.livejournal.com/448706.html?thread=5503170&style=mine#t5503170) ago.

Also the idea that toft is a troll/sock is hilarious. That's a lot of effort and back story for one.

*points up* The link to the comment nestra pointed you to is in toft_froggy's journal, someone you have repeated called a troll or a sock and I'm fairly sure at some point here have intimated that Nestra is probably that person as well.

Well you called (http://melodyclark.livejournal.com/187796.html?style=mine) her froggy in your LJ and 6 months isn't a long time ago to me, so I remembered. Sorry if that seems to tire you out in some way? Or make it seem like I care more than I should.

And yes, gasp, I went to your LJ to find what I was looking for. I'm sure somehow I'll be called names for that as well.

Nestra, I'm sure you're a lovely lady

It wasn't so many comments ago that you said she was using sockpuppets and stalking you. This conversation is wearing out my WTF-o-meter.

Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.

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