Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.
Jan. 2nd, 2010 06:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
merricatkSo, I heard it through the grapevine that all of the yuletide stories are being moved to A3O. I don't move in that circle, so everything I know comes secondhand. I've only ever written one story that's on the yuletide website, a NYR story. It was a whim, and I was still thinking that fandom might work for me.
This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.
Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.
The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.
They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.
Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)
It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.
Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.
I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.
And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.
I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.
I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.
This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.
Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.
The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.
They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.
Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)
It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.
Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.
I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.
And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.
I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.
I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.
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Re: yuletide
Date: 2010-01-03 01:05 am (UTC)Please let me know if you do a fanzine! I'm really enjoying the stories you sent me--I'm reading slowly, but you will be getting more detailed feedback from me.
I can't remember what OTW stands for, but A3O is an Archive of Our Own, a fanfic archive that's run really well. And I'm not doubting it, but that doesn't mean I want to post my stories there. People with power worry me, even when they're good people. I just don't want to be involved, and nobody involved seems to believe that! The attitude is that I must be one of those anti-A3O people who put wank-filled comments on their LJs. (I read an example of one of these comments, and it seems reasonable to me, so maybe I really *am* one of those people. *g*)
(I'll be 51 in February, so we're right there together, age-wise. *g*)
Re: yuletide
Date: 2010-01-03 02:08 am (UTC)God almighty how I'm on pins and needles waiting for more stuff from you, old or new. I think I've read everything on your site (WG, that is) but who knows? I'm a terrible online navigator. At least I have you tracked for when you post anything new.
Every day I sit down and think I'm going to start to put together a fanzine. It would probably only take a day or two. I have way more material than I can fit in one fanzine, so I may do an LJ for the run-off and tag it as free "samples" of my work and if anyone likes it they can order the zine. Plus I have old material that I might like to put up (B7 esp.) But it feels weird giving it to someone else's archive. And do they require a form, and require you to rate your story and talk about spoilers and give your firstborn?
Rest assured, because of all you've "given" me in reading, esp. Roadhouse, I feel like I can't give enough in return. So you are on the list to get a freebie fanzine when I do it (it will be ALL S/V) including some of the stories I've already sent you (rewritten.) I'll let ya know when and if it is ready to mail so I can get your addy.
I already have one S/V story, brand new as of last week, going into Mkashef Enterprises' Dyad multi-media zine. Since the editor is a friend, and reads everything I write, how could I deny her a story about fumbling sex, gambling and then better sex? Since she now "gets" to have that story, it is not available to go online until maybe a year after it's published. And well I'm okay with that.
These clearinghouse archive thingies?...they seem so top heavy. How can you look at something like, say, Supernatural, see 2900 stories posted, and not understand that amidst it all your story will be lost lost lost? And why "must" all fanfic go there? It makes no sense. On the other hand, I have gratefully found WG fic there, but very little.
Wish there were more like you!
Thank you!
Date: 2010-01-03 03:17 pm (UTC)Re: Thank you!
Date: 2010-01-03 07:35 pm (UTC)Here's what I find funny...after all these years being out of fandom I run smack into a fandom political hotbed where people are talking about "should's" and "shouldn'ts." (I'm not talking about you; I'm glad you made your post to make me aware.) Isn't it getting completely away from the subject at hand? I say, "Hey, there's guys doing heavy petting over here. Isn't this more interesting? Who cares about politics if that one's running his hand through this one's hair?" So there!
Re: Thank you!
Date: 2010-01-03 08:33 pm (UTC)