Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.

[merricatk]

So, I heard it through the grapevine that all of the yuletide stories are being moved to A3O. I don't move in that circle, so everything I know comes secondhand. I've only ever written one story that's on the yuletide website, a NYR story. It was a whim, and I was still thinking that fandom might work for me.

This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.

Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.

The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.

They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.

Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)

It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.

Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.

I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.

And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.

I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.

Comments

(frozen) Re: What.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I'm curious about why you have nothing to say about bad behavior on the other side of this discussion. Why is it all right to call people names because they don't want to be involved in OTW/AOOO--and to equate that with hating them?

(frozen) Re: What.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I'm curious about why you have nothing to say about bad behavior on the other side of this discussion.

No, you're really not, but I'll answer anyway.

Because this conversation hasn't been about the behavior of the people on the other side of the discussion. That's why I've had nothing to say about it.

As I said at my lj, if fandom does nothing but make you miserable, get out of it.

(frozen) Re: What.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

Jesus Christ. I'm certainly glad you're around to know more about me than I do.

And this is exactly what I was talking about in my post. I'm not being passive-aggressive, I'm being *careful,* because as I've told you before, you scare the fucking crap out of me!

And my post *was* about those on the other side. Thanks for coming over and saying nothing to me at all.

(frozen) Re: What.

[tzikeh.livejournal.com]

I still have no idea why you're scared of me--what is it that I can do to you?

Your original post isn't about "the other side" of the OTW/AO3 argument (i.e. being for or against it), but rather about your dislike of the word "orphan" and that you feel that, in this large Yuletide move to AO3, nobody is catering to your needs. But there are an insane number of people who have written for Yuletide in the years it's been in existence, it's likely that many of them want something or other that isn't happening. You're personalizing something that isn't personal--and it isn't just impersonal to *you*, but to *everyone*.

(frozen) Re: What.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I'm not interested in talking to you about why I'm fucking terrified of you in the comments of an unlocked LJ post. And you're not really interested in knowing.

Thank you for the succinct synopsis of my post. It really cleared things up for me; I had no idea what I was writing about until you came along and told me. If I had a jacket to put a blurb on, I'd quote you. In fact, what I should do is go back and delete all of the the post except the word "orphan."

Oh, and if my posts are so simplistic, why are you still here?

(frozen) Re: What.

[castalianspring.livejournal.com]

I have no idea why you're here. This is my friend merricatk's blog.

You don't seem to realize that pretty much everyone you've said this to IS FRIENDED BY merricatk. If she doesn't like any of them, she's well within her rights to defriend them.

(frozen) Re: What.

[castalianspring.livejournal.com]

No, you've said it to both tzikeh and nestra.

(frozen) Re: What.

[castalianspring.livejournal.com]

I've read all the threads in this post, b/c the topic interests me and all of the involved people are on my friends list. The crazy sticks out.

The fact that you think nestra is a sock or stalker or whatever borders on intense paranoia. A quick look at her userinfo would tell you the journal was created in 2002. No one's going to stalk you for 8 years over the internet.

(frozen) Re: What.

[castalianspring.livejournal.com]

Yes, I did read this thread over here. Many of these sorts of posts have been linked all over fandom recently b/c of the kerfuffle. This post has less than 100 comments, not exactly a chore to scan through everything.

Again, merricatk has friended not only nestra, but myself and others commenting in this post. It's therefore not unheard of that we'd comment here.

Sociopaths? Okay. Your persecution complex is mind boggling.

(frozen) Re: What.

[nestra.livejournal.com]

She quoted a post I made easily two years ago to a fan troll.

Seriously, this error of fact is bothering me, and it's like the third time you've repeated it. It was six months (http://toft-froggy.livejournal.com/448706.html?thread=5503170&style=mine#t5503170) ago.

(frozen) Re: What.

[amireal.livejournal.com]

Also the idea that toft is a troll/sock is hilarious. That's a lot of effort and back story for one.

(frozen) Re: What.

[elf]

There's a difference between "I don't like this particular change that touches how I relate to fandom" and "fandom does nothing but make me miserable."

I'm a shameless OTW fangirl (with no official connection, who has deliberately kept mostly quiet about it so's not to overly-infect OTW with my wank-cooties), but that doesn't mean I think all OTW-related squee has been polite and sensible.

While the official OTW comments (as much as there are any; that's kind of a blurry point) have been polite, although sometimes a bit sharp, some of the fangirl reactions have seemed to say "if you don't like the new archive/ wiki/ journal/ etc., you're doing fandom wrong!"

And no. The OTW may be the greatest thing that ever happened to ficfandom online... but that doesn't mean everyone needs to be happy about it. Doesn't mean it'll actually suit everyone's purposes; some people were/are very very happy with the way their fandom niches work(ed), and those are going to *change* with OTW and AO3, and they don't need to be happy about the changes.

Yuletide will be more public. It's not right now, 'cos AO3 is basically unknown. But AO3's plans include long-term archiving--the whole idea was "here's an archive that won't vanish in a wankfest between the mods, that won't change its policies every year to cater to the advertiser's new squicks, that won't remove stories for being, well, fanfic." And those are terrific goals. (I think we can all agree those are terrific goals, right?)

But those things come with costs. Publicity. Tagging that puts your stories next to ones you might not like. An interface that might not suit your preferences. Learning a new label/coding system. A support staff you might have bad personal history with.

Those are all good, valid reasons to say "I don't like this move. I don't want to put my stories there."

And there isn't any "opt out; keep doing fandom as I have been." AO3 *is* the new home for Yuletide; the choice is "participate in AO3" or "don't participate in YT."

I think the number of people who are truly bothered by that is very small. I think the old YT database was on its last legs; the servers had problems, and the search functions were getting unmanageable. I think the move is necessary and good.

I don't think that means it doesn't suck to be one of the people bothered by it. "Necessary" doesn't mean "everyone else should suck it up and be quiet."

If nothing else, maybe by making noise about it, the objectors will find some aspects of AO3 that *can* be fixed to their preferences, that weren't considered because they didn't bother anyone already there.

(frozen) Re: What.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Thank you so much.

(frozen) Re: What.

[elf]

You're welcome.

I am, for the most part, a raving squee-ing OTW fangirl. I love all their projects and am pretty much 100% convinced all problems with them are matters of unfinished coding and minor personality conflicts.

And yet. "Excellent wonderful project that will make fandom better" doesn't mean it'll make fandom better for every *person* involved. There were people who loved sci-fi conventions in the 60s and don't like the modern versions. Who loved printed zines, and aren't happy with how eighty zillion web archives have replaced them. And while it's glorious that half-a-million words is now a common fest collection, where before, 50,000 words was a *big* zine--that doesn't mean nothing has been lost in the transition.

I'm going to miss the old YT archive. I understand the reasons it has to move, and that better search & tagging will be waycool, and that a lot of authors will love having their YT fics next to their other ones (including me), but I'm still going to miss the uniqueness and isolation it had.

And if I, who *adores* the OTW and all their projects, can spare some sad thoughts for the shift of YT to their servers, I can't begrudge the anxiety of people who don't start out knowing who they are and trusting their motives & skills.

(frozen) Re: What.

[commodoremarie.livejournal.com]

For this, and so many other things, I totally love you.

(frozen) Re: What.

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

See, if I were in a different place in fandom right now, I'd probably be squeeing right there with you. I have no problem with the existence of either OTW or AOOO. I hope they succeed! But where I am right now, I need to circumscribe my fannishness.

And did I mention that it's nice to see you?

(frozen) Re: What.

[elf]

Nice to see you too. I'm still active--at Dreamwidth. I don't post at LJ anymore, and reading here has gotten troublesome 'cos it's blocked at work. My home reading time is split between DW, IJ, and LJ, and a couple of forums. (Non-fannish forums. I spend too much time talking about ebooks, and can quote obscure aspects of copyright law cases at the drop of a comment.)

(frozen) Re: What.

[amalthia]

I love how articulate you are. I really liked this post because it's pretty much my opinion too but better said. :)

I also hate when people say you should leave fandom if something makes you unhappy. That's like throwing out the whole dinner just because the soup came out lumpy. Makes no sense.

(frozen) Re: What.

[lydiabell.livejournal.com]

"Necessary" doesn't mean "everyone else should suck it up and be quiet."

True, but I think it does mean that it's shitty to keep throwing rocks at people for doing what they had to do.