Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.
Jan. 2nd, 2010 06:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
merricatkSo, I heard it through the grapevine that all of the yuletide stories are being moved to A3O. I don't move in that circle, so everything I know comes secondhand. I've only ever written one story that's on the yuletide website, a NYR story. It was a whim, and I was still thinking that fandom might work for me.
This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.
Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.
The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.
They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.
Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)
It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.
Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.
I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.
And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.
I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.
I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.
This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.
Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.
The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.
They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.
Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)
It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.
Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.
I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.
And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.
I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.
I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.
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(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 08:16 pm (UTC)Snacky's Law? Seriously?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 08:51 pm (UTC)(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:04 pm (UTC)In other words, please. You're not as unique as you think you are.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:20 pm (UTC)Oh, wait. Unique means singular and doesn't require a qualifier. You're either unique or you're not--it's your choice. *g*
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:22 pm (UTC)(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:27 pm (UTC)(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:30 pm (UTC)merritcatk, I'll catch you in email where sanity prevails and jealous primates don't play politics.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:36 pm (UTC)Ah, we evil writers and our sense of entitlement. (BTW, what "entitlement" are they talking about? The right to be left alone?)
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:21 pm (UTC)But I won't change your mind, and you won't change mine. I was just amused to see you trot out such a well-worm excuse.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:34 pm (UTC)and
As for your opinion, it doesn't matter a bit to me because obviously you didn't know what you were reading in the first place. I'm not going to be worried about my gardener's opinion of my work either.
Really, you seem to be a very angry person.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:41 pm (UTC)Is Melody angry right now? Maybe so. But do you really think you have an adequate sampling to determine whether or not she's an angry person? Or do you say that about everyone who ever gets angry?
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:45 pm (UTC)The fuck? I've been posting under this name for over 10 years. I don't know who you think I am, but feel free to check my LJ for any hissyfit I threw with you as the subject.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:50 pm (UTC)(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:53 pm (UTC)You don't matter to me at all except as an annoyance -- so kindly go away.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-04 01:41 am (UTC)By all means, do name them.
(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:46 pm (UTC)(frozen) no subject
Date: 2010-01-03 10:48 pm (UTC)