Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.

[merricatk]

So, I heard it through the grapevine that all of the yuletide stories are being moved to A3O. I don't move in that circle, so everything I know comes secondhand. I've only ever written one story that's on the yuletide website, a NYR story. It was a whim, and I was still thinking that fandom might work for me.

This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.

Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.

The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.

They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.

Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)

It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.

Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.

I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.

And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.

I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.

Comments

(frozen)

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

It is. And I've participated in yuletide exactly once, years ago, writing a NYR story that my concern about has spawned all this.

I'm not asking anyone to change anything. I just want my story.

(frozen)

[sprat.livejournal.com]

But you can remove your story, then, if you have no intention to participate in Yuletides to come, and just post it under lock on your LJ. I honestly don't think anyone will call you a name for doing this; it's an option I'm sure you won't be alone in using, and since you have only posted one story over there, I don't know, to be blunt, that your removal of it will be much noticed.

Look, I work in a tech-related field. I get that change is scary to lots of people, especially when it involves technology not everyone has the knowledge-base to understand. But all this fuss is reminiscent of Y2K or the US digital transition -- your uneasiness is related to not knowing the shape of things to come, and an unwillingness to trust that the people who are doing the shaping are going to do it in a way that you'll enjoy. And this is totally understandable! But what I suggest, then, to you and to everyone else who is an AO3 detractor for reasons they are unable to articulate, is to educate yourselves on the transition that's ahead, the reasons why it's happening and the reasons why it's happening the way that it's happening. If you still have concerns, perhaps you will want to make an archive of YOUR own, doing it your way and with all your own ideologies uncompromised. Luckily, this isn't government policy we're talking about -- fandom is anarchical, and the AO3 is not being supported by your taxes. *g*

(frozen)

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

But you can remove your story, then, if you have no intention to participate in Yuletides to come, and just post it under lock on your LJ.

This is exactly what I said I wanted to do, and what I got called names for. And I'm sure you're right about my story. I mean, it's a good story, but it's hardly The Story For The Ages. Not even I think that! *g*

I'm really not a detractor of AOOO, I just don't want to participate. I wish only the best for people who *are* participating.

And you're welcome here any time! My meta posts are nearly always unlocked.