Ravings of an emotionally unstable fan.

[merricatk]

So, I heard it through the grapevine that all of the yuletide stories are being moved to A3O. I don't move in that circle, so everything I know comes secondhand. I've only ever written one story that's on the yuletide website, a NYR story. It was a whim, and I was still thinking that fandom might work for me.

This was several years ago. There was nothing bad about the experience.

Since then I've come to a few realizations about myself. One of them is, I was born, and will probably die, an outsider. I don't fit. Sometimes, for short periods, with certain groups, I can be part of the in-crowd. But I always ask the wrong questions, the ones nobody else thinks of. I always cause trouble, and I need way too much down time from people, and I'm way, way too needy.

The movers and shakers of fandom don't want to answer my questions, they don't want to be bothered with my moodiness, and they certainly don't want to cater to my needs, which are emotional in nature.

They do want my stories. I've had more than one offer to archive my stories, and I've said yes more than once because of my neediness. I thought the offer to "work with me" on putting my stories online meant they wanted to spend some time with me. What I found out was that except of approving a layout and emailing the stories, I was now extraneous to the whole process. So I've put my stories back in my pocket and am (slowly) posting them on my LJ.

Now the yuletide stories are being moved to what I, in my infinite ignorance, consider to be a potentially more public venue, which I'm not comfortable with. (Why do I see it as being more public? Because it's supposed to be easier to find things there, because it has been so publicized and so has yuletide. Am I wrong about this? Everyone says so.)

It's also being run by movers and shakers--things always are; they're the ones who run things, they have the temperament for it, it's nothing against them. But I'm not comfortable with them. And I'm in a position of either letting them take my story and be quiet while put it wherever they want it--without, so far, them saying a word to me about it; or taking my story back and have people call me names.

Or I can orphan my story by taking my name off of it.

I wish they weren't using the word orphan. It's too poetic, it puts to sharp a point on the abandonment, it makes me feel terrible. I have abandonment issues. Call me a thief for taking my story back and I can deal with it. Say I'm making my story an orphan, I'll cry.

And I wish they weren't telling me again that I can go--just leave the story. Because I already know I'm extraneous, except for the stories.

I'm perfectly aware that I'm completely wrong about all of this, but being told how wrong I am is only going to push me harder into putting this story in my pocket, too. I'm perfectly aware that my feelings--and all this is nothing but my feelings--are indefensible. But I don't like it when the powerful people come and tell me how unreasonable I am not to want to do things their way. Not ask, just tell.

I can live with being disliked, considered a screwball, or an angry, shitty, classless, selfish jerkass, and I can live with people believing the lie that I'm doing this because I hate OTW and/or A3O. I can live with the whole rest of the world considering me irrational.

Comments

(frozen)

[enkiduts.livejournal.com]

Don't post anywhere you don't want to. I don't like archive sites much either---I did have my XFiles fanfic up at several of the XF sites in the past, but that's over ten years ago now.

Screw etiquette in regard to taking stories off the web. I've done it, and put them back up. People don't like it, too bad. Ya give em warning the stuff is coming down and if they want a copy, then they can go get one for their personal files before the page disappears. Your work, your decision---your comfort level.

Me--outsider too, though I can't keep it in my head that I am, so I keep getting whacked upside of the head by various fannish groups and cliques. Nothing wrong with being an outsider, I've come to recognize. I've always been happier in my own company anyway, why should fandom be any different?

Moody and sensitive, those are good things, and part of the creative personality if you ask me. People don't want to be bothered, screw them too, you shouldn't change yourself to be more appealing to some amorphous group of people who probably are far more dysfunctional than you could ever hope to be, elsewise they wouldn't have to be the Napoleons of their fannish interests.

I can't tell you the number of lists/LJs and groups I've joined in my current fandom, only to be ignored when I entered into discussions (in fact, my saying anything generally killed most I tried to enter). I know other people who've tried to enter and participate who get totally ignored as well--very gifted writers and artists too. Of course, my most recent fandom is one of the most nastiest, you mention it to some people --atheists will make the sign of the cross over you...

I don't know from OTW or A30--but it comes down to the author's wishes must be respected above all else. If you don't want to post to an archive, your decision, and if they can't respect that, then maybe you don't want them having your stuff anyway. You don't even owe anyone an explanation as far as that goes.

Hang in there, hon---I've been in one fandom or another for over 30 years, idiot that I am. Comes a point you need to carve your own niche and operate in your own comfort zone.

((hugs)))

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[melodyclark.livejournal.com]

On internet fandom, being ignored by the "cool kids" is a source of pride for me. lol The reality is unique people are always outsiders. We define ourselves by our singularity.

This is all just high school. The adults have their own more intimate, email-to-email level of communication (like this).

(frozen)

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I find it so comforting to have my LJs flocked. It makes the comments I get much sweeter, it lets me know that only people who really want to be there, who I'm connecting with are doing the reading.

And I find it so comforting to have good friends like you.

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[enkiduts.livejournal.com]

;-)This is all just high school. The adults have their own more intimate, email-to-email level of communication (like this).

Amen and Hallelujah to that!

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[nestra.livejournal.com]

This is all just high school.

Snacky's Law? Seriously?

(frozen)

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

Grade school?

(frozen)

[nestra.livejournal.com]

Snacky's Law (http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Snacky%27s%20Law). Aka "just like those popular bitches in high school."

In other words, please. You're not as unique as you think you are.

(frozen)

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

You're not as unique as you think you are. You're only slightly unique.

Oh, wait. Unique means singular and doesn't require a qualifier. You're either unique or you're not--it's your choice. *g*

(frozen)

[melodyclark.livejournal.com]

nestra hates me for H/W reasons. I knew I remembered the name from somewhere. God, I hate this fandom.

(frozen)

[nestra.livejournal.com]

I hate you for what reasons?

(frozen)

[melodyclark.livejournal.com]

Go back to ignoring me. I prefer it that way.

merritcatk, I'll catch you in email where sanity prevails and jealous primates don't play politics.

(frozen)

[melodyclark.livejournal.com]

Oh, did you notice the "sense of entitlement" thing? LOL

Ah, we evil writers and our sense of entitlement. (BTW, what "entitlement" are they talking about? The right to be left alone?)

(frozen)

[nestra.livejournal.com]

What does your age have to do with anything? Aside from the fact that if you were fifteen, I might be tempted to excuse the bad behavior and sense of entitlement I've seen you display here and in other places.

But I won't change your mind, and you won't change mine. I was just amused to see you trot out such a well-worm excuse.

(frozen)

[nestra.livejournal.com]

There is a whole sea of LJ "BNF" writers who can't write a decent page of prose to save their lives who are considered to be interfandom gods by their sycophants (with whom they enjoy a circle jerk of mutual succor and bootlicking).

and

As for your opinion, it doesn't matter a bit to me because obviously you didn't know what you were reading in the first place. I'm not going to be worried about my gardener's opinion of my work either.

Really, you seem to be a very angry person.

(frozen)

[broomstyx.livejournal.com]

Mel:

I don't really know or care who the "cool kids" are but I will bet you 100 percent that you are NOT ignored by them. If you write something they love, they will find a way to read it without you knowing. People will say they are never going to read so-and-so maybe because of past "bad blood" but if that person is a good writer, you know they are lying. They'll "sneak read" your zine or LJ under a different name or get someone else to download it or print it for them.

And yes, welcome back to high school. It's so pathetically funny.

I'm going back to my regularly scheduled program of guys running their hands through each other's hair. Good thing I have the month of Jan. off.

(frozen)

[melodyclark.livejournal.com]

I meant online cool kids. There is a whole sea of LJ "BNF" writers who can't write a decent page of prose to save their lives who are considered to be interfandom gods by their sycophants (with whom they enjoy a circle jerk of mutual succor and bootlicking). There is a whole House/Wilson fan circle that ignores me completely even though I've written several stories and a novel while a tide of crap (and I do mean CRAP) their friends have written is fawned over. That's kinda what I meant.

I really don't care. I care that the wonderful writers and artists like you and merricatk and enkiduts respect me. Beyond that, it doesn't matter.

(frozen)

[broomstyx.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know you meant online "kids." And I'll bet those House people have secretly read your stuff and are just jealous. This is my experience over a lifetime with how powerless people who need to feel big behave (but they still secretly read enemy stuff.) I left fandom and all writing (except personal poetry) for 10 years and let's just say, yeah, I was jaded, but I had other reasons, too. It is very very hard to see bad writers lauded and good writers ignored. And it's not always a matter of taste and being bitter about people not having it. The difficulty lies in when it becomes a personal popularity contest and not about what is really good...like what most awards ceremonies are about.

It is nice to have re-discovered you, and found merricat. Even if you guys never wrote one word to me, I'd still read your stuff because it is that good and that's that point.

(frozen)

[melodyclark.livejournal.com]

It's all a popularity contest. The awards and everything (and I say this having won my share of MediaWest awards).

As for other problems, see my trade of comments with nestra. lol

(frozen)

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

God, I thought I was the only one who could kill a discussion just by entering it!

Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to me.

(frozen)

[enkiduts.livejournal.com]

I'm happy to be able to offer support to a kindred spirit!

I just lost a job that was killing me by inches (best early Christmas gift I ever got) and for so long have had no time or energy to do more than read your LJ and others. Hopefully with that ghastly place behind me, I can connect a little more often.

You hang in there. We've got your back!

(frozen)

[merricatk.livejournal.com]

I suddenly realized last night that in the middle of all this hubbub about authors' rights to have their stories where they want them, we also had people using the phrase "you have to own your words," as in take responsibility for them. Somehow it seemed hilarious. I'm trying to own my words! Give them back to me! *g*

I'm so glad to have you here.

(frozen)

[enkiduts.livejournal.com]

I hear you. Great thing, isn't it, that you can't even muse on your own LJ without starting a fannish firestorm?

Yes, it is all about owning your own words--interesting how people use the words without realizing the irony.

((hugs you)